Are Your Hands Still Blood-Stained?
by Cessy
Summary: Warning! This fanfic contains self-inflicted injuries, a little violence, yaoi, and extreme OOC-ness. This is an after-game fanfic. Cloud struggles with himself, trying to find out who he is now that he is no longer a puppet. But will insanity take over


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**Are You Hands Still Blood-Stained?**   
**Chapter 1**   
**Story by: Cessy Angel**

  
  
  


Cloud shivered. The rain hadn't stopped pouring for nearly two days now, villages drowning in dull grey. He was cold, hungry, and wanted nothing else but to reach the damned hotel in the nearby town before it got dark. 

His boots stomped against the granite road. He tugged harder on his cape that covered his head and shoulders, the wind never ceasing to blow tiny bullets of water against his numb face. He brought his hand to his face and brushed the blond bangs away from his eyes, his gloves were worn and three fingers weren't covered. He looked like a total wreck. 

But what was Cloud now? Nothing more than a puppet without a master. Sephiroth was dead, Zack was dead. He'd killed both of them, with his own hands, and now he didn't know what to do. He was nothing more than a dead image of his former self. Why did he kill them? _Destruction and death follows you wherever you go..._

"Sephiroth..." he whispered, knowing that the wind would bring his words to the ends of the earth, but what difference would it make? His master wasn't coming back. Those blood stained hands... 

Now he finally reached May, a town around a day away from Kalm. Ever since Meteor destroyed Midgar, new towns have been appearing everywhere. Thousands of lives had been lost, but the people still continue. Mindless and ignorant, most people did not want to speak of all the destruction Meteor had caused, but of the new life that had begun. Hastening his pace, Cloud walked towards the Inn. 

Carefully tightening his grip on his cape and hood, he opened the door of the Inn and stepped inside. On his left, the Inn owner looked at him indifferently as he asked for a room. What else did the Inn owner see other than a lone wanderer, his face covered by a hood, his clothes worn, and in his pockets just enough money to pay for the room? The man, who was rather short and plump, slipped the keys on the table and handed him the guest book, while at the same time trying to get a better look at the stranger's face. Cloud lifted his eyes to meet the man's, who grew pale and took a step back. 

Cloud didn't say anything else. He snatched the keys from the counter and ignored the guest book and began to walk up the stairs to his room. He gave a hard, cold glance at the men sitting along the bar, who had been looking at him strangely. The men quickly turned to their drinks as if nothing had happened and continued talking.   


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Finally, in his room. He was glad that it was warm there, and a place were he could be alone, hopefully no one would come bother him. Cloud took off his cape and threw it on a nearby chair. On his back he had been carrying the Ultima weapon, and he was glad that none of the other people in the Inn had caught a glimpse of it. In the present times, weapons were useless. People carrying weapons were mostly feared. 

He places the blade on the chair and took most of his garments off, save for his pants and boots. He entered the bathroom and ran some warm water on his face, the numbness washing away. His eyes remained closed, he didn't want to look up into the mirror. He knew what he would see, he knew what he would do. 

Drawing in a breath, shivers running across his spine, he opened his eyes. 

His face was blank, completely devoid of any feeling. Glowing blue mako eyes looked back at him, he hated it. Hated how they glowed. In the past year they had been even more noticeable, always taking people by surprise, since no one figured that SOLDIER's were still around. Wasn't he the living proof? 

Cloud lowered his head. On his pale arms were numerous scars. They were all over his body, too. On his stomach, on his legs, and one scar, almost covered by his yellow hair, on his neck. Some had been inflicted in battle... but the rest had been made by himself. Looking at them now, his mouth transformed into a twisted grin. 

He cocked his head to one side, then the other. His body began to shudder, and he used all of his power not to laugh out loud. It was happening again. He couldn't close his eyes, he couldn't stop grinning. Inwardly, he laughed. Cackling, it wasn't even his voice. 

Grabbing the knife that he had put on the side of the counter, he examined it. It was a dagger, with a copper handle, the blade stained with blood. He licked it slowly, careful not to cut tongue. He shivered again, his eyes rolling back into his head. It was like a small ecstacy. He then brought the knife down to his arm, tracing the contour of some old scars, trying to find some uncut skin. The knife stopped just on top of a space between his wrists and his elbow. He brought the knife down, slowly slicing into his skin. 

Dark ruby red liquid poured out of the wound. Mesmerized, Cloud looked at it flow for several moments, then brought the wound to his mouth and began sucking at it. It tasted like copper, and the taste and feel of it made him sigh with pleasure. The wound would heal quickly, because of the mako in his body, so whenever the cut would show signs of healing, Cloud would cut it over and over again. 

He did this for nearly ten minutes. But there was a knock on the door which made Cloud come back to reality. 

"Who's there? What do you want?" He asked coldly. Blood ran on each side on his mouth, and he sounded rather groggy when he spoke. 

"Your diner, sir." It was a young girl on the other side. Her voice scared, yet cheerful as the same time. Obviously she hadn't seen him when he had walked in the Inn. 

Cloud's mind wandered. He thought of bringing her in the room and raping her. She must be beautiful. It wouldn't matter even if she'd be a boy or girl anyway. 

Suddenly he came back to his senses, taking in a long breath and his eyes watering. He called out in the same monotone voice to put the food on the floor outside his door and leave. 

When he heard the sound of the tray being laid on the floor and the footsteps walking away, Cloud feel to his knees and clutched his head with both hands. His fingernails dug deep in his scalp, but he didn't care. What was happening to him? Since when had those thoughts crept into his head?   


** Flashback ** 

  


Cold steel. Blood everywhere. On his hands, on his face, in his mouth. Lifeless body on the floor. Must cover it up. Must hide it. It's not right, it shouldn't be that way. It was wrong, so very, very wrong. 

Cold hands, on his shoulder. Whirling him around and the feeling of cold lips on his. Admiration, then leaving him to dispose of the body. Black form disappearing in the halls. No voice would come out of his mouth, he couldn't scream, he couldn't protest. 

He looked back at the body and shivered. What he did was wrong, but deep inside he felt excited. No, this wasn't part of the training. What had he done? He couldn't remember. He couldn't remember anything. His mind completely blank. 

What was his name again? 

Used to being called 'Experiment' and 'Puppet', he had forgotten his real name. Looking around frantically he found the white card hidden in his suit. He flipped it around and read the large black text. 

'**Cloud Strife**' 

'**SOLDIER- In training**' 

Wiping away the blood he had smeared on the card, he placed it back into his pocket and took out a large black plastic bag. 

"Goodnight." 

** End flashback ** 

Cloud slumped against his bed and put one arm over his head. He was so confused now. He was afraid of what he might do, especially now that he was going to be with others. No, he wouldn't do anything. 

Clutching a piece of paper, with smeared words written rather quickly, he read over and over again. 

"Cloud, 

It's been so long! We all miss you. The new 7th Heaven is doing very good. We're throwing a small gathering for the one year anniversary of Sephiroth's demise and for the saving of the planet. We'll be throwing the gathering here, at the new 7th Heaven in Kalm. Please come! Everyone has been wondering of what you've been doing all this time. It'll be so much fun. 

Love, Tifa." 

  
His hands tugged harder on the piece of paper until it was nothing more than a hundred shreds. What I've been doing all this time? Nothing much, just the fact that I've been on the brink of insanity, thought Cloud. 

The blond rubbed his temples, trying to think strait, but it didn't work. He got up and opened the door, looking around to make certain that no one was spying on him, then he took the tray of food inside his room and locked the door.   
  
He wasn't hungry anymore. He hardly ever was. Taking the tray to the bathroom, he flushed the food, then put the plate in the trash can, it wasn't of any use anyway. 

Walking back to the bed, he took off his boots and climbed into the bed, laying there with both hands in front of his face. 

"How... ? How will I be able to confront them? They... have no idea of what I've been doing all this time. No idea at all. I don't want to hurt them..." Whispers in the dark. He put lamps off and rolled to one side, hugging his knees to his chest. 

I don't want to hurt them... 

_ "They hurt you, didn't they?"_

"No... yes." 

_"They hurt me too."_

"Yes." 

Cloud's eyes closed. He just hoped everything would be better the following morning. It never was. 

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**author's notes:** Sooo... you like? It's pretty much another experimental fanfic ^^; Yet another fanfic that will never be finished by the amazing procrastinator that is Cessy. That is, unless I have a lot of reviews, which I doubt. I wrote this while listening to the Cloud theme over and over again. It's so beautiful. If you listen to it, you should notice something in particular about it :D 

Please review! 


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